Dr. Sharon Schuetz

Mary always knew this day would come, but she was still unprepared for it. How could anyone prepare for this? This is insanity. The fickled crowd followed him with cheers of acclamation one day, and the next, they cursed him with the riotous shouts of the damned. She brushed away a tear, remembering the moment she stood at the edge of the crowd staring in disbelief at the three bodies. This was senseless! Why did it happen? Indeed, the two on the outside deserved this. After all, they were thieves; but Jesus did nothing to warrant this punishment. In the darkness, Mary laid her weary frame on her mat as her mind traveled back over the past six months without him. So much has changed. His followers are in hiding most of the time. They come out boldly, preaching his message during the day, but they hide among the new converts at night. Jesus made many enemies while he was here. In death, he had attracted more. The stories and the lies they concocted to explain his being seen by the multitudes afterward were just the beginning. A slight smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she remembered her little boy running across the square to tell her of his latest revelation—so young and yet so much wisdom. God revealed many secrets to this child He had entrusted into her care. Ruffling his curls, Mary studied the dark eyes that danced with such merriment. His smile never changed. She saw that same smile the last time they were together, even though he knew the suffering he would soon face. He still looked to her like the little boy who was so eager to share God's truth with her. Mary lay on her mat; her mind pulled in many directions. Part of her struggled with inexpressible grief. Losing Jesus was the most challenging thing she had experienced since losing her beloved Joseph years before. Another aspect of her rejoiced in the knowledge that Jesus would never be hurt again. Through his death, he had won his battle, both for himself and for all who followed him. She still struggled to accept that he was no longer her son; he was now her Savior. He was no longer that little boy with curls. Nor was he that young man who came to her so often for counsel. He had fulfilled His Father's plan for his life and was even now sitting at His right hand. Mary lay in the darkness contemplating her long battle. She thought on the day that an angel told her that she would bear God's child. He entrusted His plans into her care. She was so overwhelmed that God would choose her for such responsibility and honor. She had loved Jesus, protected him, taught him, and guided him for most of her life. She had to remind herself often that he was not really hers. He belongs to humanity. He came with a purpose, and death was part of the plan. Now she understood the price God paid when He placed Jesus into her womb. How it must have broken His heart to let him go. Their relationship changed, too. He no longer belonged to His Father alone. He now belonged to the world.  

No doubt, women can be strange, especially from a man's perspective. A woman hides her feelings, mulling them over until she thinks herself into despair. She worries about her problems; she worries about her family; she worries about her church, neighbors, and career. Her fear can turn into depression, which she masks, deceiving herself and everyone else until she explodes at the slightest provocation.  Does this sound like someone in your life? Perhaps a friend, a sister, or daughter? If so, you may be the very one who helps her resolve some of her life's issues. By learning a few ABCs found in a woman's nature, we can help the women in our lives become the beautiful people God created them to be.        Men tease women about how much we talk. We do talk more than men. On average, a woman speaks approximately 20,000 words a day compared to a man's 7,000 words. God designed us this way. It's normal. We release our suppressed emotions as we discuss our thoughts with someone we trust. We process our feelings by sharing them with another person. As we reveal the details of what's bothering us and express our opinions, we work through our experiences and find solutions. While speaking, we can "see" what is happening with our emotions and gain a deeper understanding of the situation. Ideally, the person we disclose our thoughts to should be our husbands, but unfortunately, that's not always the case. A woman must feel safe with the person with whom she shares her innermost being. In processing our emotions, we expose our soul or that part of us that makes us who we are. That means that the person should be one who will listen without criticism, judgment, or rejection. If she can't trust her husband with her heart's secrets, she will find someone else to share this part of her life. Consequently, the marriage suffers a loss of intimacy and trust. A wise husband can learn to have a sympathetic ear and learn the art of listening if it's important enough to him.  God wired the genders differently. We tend to think that everyone deals with the world as we do. Men believe women should manage information and behave a particular way because they would do the same thing in their place. We're like bananas and strawberries. Although both are fruit, each one has its own form, flavor, and texture. Both taste fabulous by themselves, but combine them and get a fantastic fruit salad with each part keeping its own characteristic.            Marriage is like a fruit salad. A man and a woman: each with unique shape, texture, and flavor, might be complete alone; however, when combined, you get a brand-new creation though both keep their identity. When his woman cries, her husband embraces her, wanting to solve her problems. Once she sobs a few intelligible words out through her sniffles, he throws his head back; some men are even foolish enough to laugh, and then he says, "Is that all? It's so simple. This is what you need to do."           He is dumbfounded when she stops talking, looks at him, and says, "Never mind! I'll figure it out myself." She is probably angry and frustrated at him, leading to her slamming the door as she storms out of the room.     He has no idea why she didn't throw her arms around him, give him a passionate kiss, and thank him for all his wisdom. Never mind that he didn't hear many details. After all, he doesn't need to listen to it all. He has the solution. He knows what to do. He does often have the correct answer; however, unsolicited advice is seldom appreciated. Men get irritated when women reject their quick fixes, and the ensuing argument adds pressure to an already strained relationship. Women don't want the answers handed to them because it defeats the purpose of God's design. A woman keeps her emotions in, releasing them through conversation. She crystallizes her thoughts in this way. Her feelings begin to unravel, confusion dissipates, helping her recognize the answer staring her in the face. Although her husband might offer the same advice, she isn't prepared to accept it yet. She needs to know what she feels and why. Insight like this comes through discussion that leads to intimacy and respect that grows between them as they learn to understand one another's needs. We can resolve many marital problems by simply understanding different gender needs. Our thinking process and our needs are unique to each gender. Understanding them can help us make positive strides in relating to one another.  Women have needs that their husbands should understand for a happy marriage. Meeting them gives her a strong sense of security and completeness. Recognizing them makes a tremendous difference in his marriage, transforms his home, and changes the atmosphere of disappointment, confusion, and indifference to peace and oneness of spirit and purpose. The first is the sound guidance of a spiritual leader, which fulfills many of her needs. Spiritual leadership reveals a man's spiritual health and shows the direction he is going. If he fails here, his wife will long for it. God didn't intend for women to be the family's spiritual leaders. Failure here exposes her to worry not meant for her. Her life feels out of control resulting in fear. She must make decisions not intended for her to make, which can cause her to accept the consequences and even blame her husband if she makes the wrong choice.  She needs to know that her husband's desire for a relationship with God is sincere. He proves this when he reads the Bible, prays, pays tithes, and faithfully attends church. She needs to see him build strong convictions on Scripture and consistently follow his beliefs.              She needs reassurance that no other woman can meet his needs. Being needed is necessary and common to all women. He must assure her that she is special. God made her for a "helpmate." The things she does for him must be relevant. The more valuable they are, the more he should compliment and appreciate her. Men often hide their real needs from their wives. They want them to admire them and consider them successful. If he wants her honor, she must see his humility. She will love him more when he shares both his failures and successes with her. He must explain his needs to her and what she can do to help meet them. There are many needs that only a spouse can satisfy. She protects him against other women with wrong motives. We live in a world permeated with sensuality and passion. She gives him the joy of physical love without guilt.  Her need for security and steadfastness makes him want to make sound decisions instead of hasty ones. It grieves a man when his wife suffers because of his poor choices. When he understands how his choices affect his entire family, he takes more time and examines the consequences before acting rashly.     A wife serves as a buffer and arbitrator during conflicts with the children. She discerns their needs and instills godly character. She is probably with them more than her husband and has insight into their lives he may not. She will become discouraged if she feels her husband is more concerned with the needs of employers, employees, colleagues, friends, and church members than with hers. She wants to be a vital part of his world. If she is not, she feels discouraged, and her world starts closing in on her.          She needs him to cherish her and enjoy setting aside time for a personal conversation. This kind of intimacy results from listening to a woman share her feelings. There is a difference between loving and cherishing a woman. While most men love their wives, few cherish them. He cherishes her when he knows her as a person, protects her, and compliments her to others.       She must know that he loves her beyond what she does for him. He needs to show her that he loves her for her sake and let her know he longs to be with her. She wants to know that the qualities he fell in love with are still important to him and hear him often repeat expressions of his love to her.              Men get much of their self-worth and respect through their profession. Even women with successful careers get much of their value confirmation from their husbands. A man can show his appreciation for her in small ways by giving her the same courtesy he gives to other women. Women love it when our husbands take a few extra seconds to open the car door for us. Opening the door for us in public, pulling out our chairs, and waiting until we are seated before he sits down in a restaurant are all quick and simple ways men can show us courtesy. Helping her put on her coat and lifting heavy objects reveals how valuable we are to him when he does these things publicly. These small courtesies say "I love you" as much or more than only saying the words.  My husband, Michael, seventeen-year-old son, and fourteen-year-old daughter left a restaurant in New Mexico many years ago. Michael opened my car door while our son opened the rear car door for our daughter—the woman next to us saw this through the window and hit her husband. My daughter and I laughed. However, I was smart enough to realize how fortunate I was that my husband enjoyed "showing me off in public."         Wives need the intimate conversation that only comes with the oneness of spirit. They need to communicate their experiences and thoughts without the fear of being cut off or mocked for their opinions. They must know that he is listening and not eager to do something else. The best way to achieve this is to set a fixed time for it. True intimacy occurs when a woman can trust her husband with the secrets of her deepest drives, desires, and emotions.     Many women have fears they never share with their husbands for several reasons. Sometimes they feel guilty for their feelings and hope they will go away. They may fear criticism and rejection from their husbands. They don't want to add to his load. Or, they know he won't have an answer and feel that there is no point troubling him.        A woman discovers solutions on her own as she talks out her thoughts. She gets frustrated when things stay inside. It can be confounding and cause her to have feelings of insecurity and self-worth issues. By getting them out, she can "see" them and put them into perspective. Her husband must be careful not to belittle her or make her concerns seem insignificant. If he does, she will find someone else to talk to, causing the marriage to suffer.   Mike and Tina are so busy during the day that they often sit up talking late into the night. With the children at home, it is usually the only time they are alone. As a woman, Tina's emotions often get bottled-up. Her wise husband has been her sounding board through the years. Often, he never says a word. When he does, he will usually say, "Urn-hum, yeah. Right." He draws her out with well-worded questions that help her work through her doubts and fears. If you asked her about it, she would probably tell you that he has all the answers; however, they both know that she finds her own solutions because he encourages her to share her feelings. This level of communication builds intimacy, trust, and oneness of spirit.             A wife also needs protection in areas where she feels inadequate. When a couple builds their intimacy through sharing and trust, she gains insight, primarily from her husband. Most women want boundaries that express a husband's concern for them. If a husband fails her now, she will feel neglected. She wants him to recognize her spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical strengths and weaknesses. She also wants him to have the wisdom and courage to give loving but firm guidance that prevents her from going beyond her limits. She may occasionally test him by asking him for something she doesn't want. She wants him to be sensitive to her real needs and dangers she faces and becomes insecure if he gives her everything she wants without question. A man should understand his wife so well that he can be strong or lenient when she needs it. She appreciates and respects loving firmness when they both know it is appropriate.        The head's primary function is to develop, train, and protect the rest of our body so that the whole person can accomplish God's plan. The husband is to be the head of his wife (Ephesians 5:23). As the family's spiritual leader, he is responsible for setting the standard in his home. When children see him treat their mother with clear expressions of love, they will follow her and admire him as a man of courage and integrity. By learning to meet his spouse's basic needs, she will respond with acts of kindness and expressions of respect for him that, until now, he could only imagine.